Most of the time, home improvement logs begin on Day 1.  Not this one, and that’s because on Day 1, I didn’t realize it was Day 1.  In fact, I never thought the simple act of purchasing a new dining room set would be the catalyst for a Day 1, much less a Day 10. So I sit typing this in my makeshift office, using a footstool and my flatware drawer as a desk.  There are six strangers in my house, and my coffee pot is on the floor.  The …read more

I received my jury summons in the mail, and I have discovered that I may be the only person on the planet to react excitedly. “Guess what came in the mail?!” I asked my husband with the verve of someone who just learned she’d won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. “What?” “A jury summons! And my group number is low, so I’m totally gonna get called.” He looked at me over the top of his sunglasses and shook his head. “You can’t serve. You have the perfect excuse: You own your …read more

           Before I get into more vacation shenanigans, let me tell you why we’re here when it feels like I just left.  Besides watching Jarret pitch, the main reason we all flew back to Bluefield this month was to help Jarret celebrate his 21st birthday.  I know some of you can still remember the little preemie I brought home in 1989, the jaundiced peanut who grew quickly into a 30-pound infant who hung limply from my hip and caused a permanent hitch in my step.  You …read more

          Good to be back near the Appalachian Mountains, although I thought until today that they were the Blue Ridge Mountains (thank you, Google).  In any case, I now feel much closer to the “Heywood Family,” the fictional characters that haunt our local attraction,Talladega Frights, whose story I wrote last year.  They are a clan of hillbilly killers living in the Appalachian Mountains who prey on unsuspecting travelers. (Que banjo music.)             Sweet Tea.  We made it to Bluefield despite the “sweetea” (as my …read more

“Country roads, take me home, to the place… I belong, West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home… country roads.” John Denver, 1971 I’m back.  This time we all made the trip, and minus the 32 hours Jarret flew home on Easter Sunday, this is the first time my entire family has been together since January. Awww, you think, isn’t that great? Yes and no. To kick-off this version of the Bluefield Diaries (family edition), let’s illustrate all the differences in traveling with the entire Martin clan. Hotel lodging near LAX: …read more

         Just when you think I’m telling the truth and that I’ve posted the end of the Bluefield Diaries, I had some more observations once I returned to California soil. Stick around until the end of this one; you’ll be glad you aren’t me.           Food: I think that Virginia must be the test market for any type of new candy or alcoholic beverage. I saw new flavored M&Ms, new Skittles, and a billboard showing Bud in a Box (not the official name): Budweiser …read more

          My plan to stay on California time wasn’t well executed because–as it turns out–American Airlines goes ahead and switches time zones when they fly into Charlotte, and they expect me (if I want to fly home on my prepaid flight) to show up via the clocks operating on EST.  That said, I couldn’t go to sleep until midnight (California time), yet had to get up at 6:00 (Bluefield time).  Calculation: Three hours of sleep.           The only thing making it easy to leave …read more

          I’m midway through my trip now and have a few more observations about the East Coast or, what I refer to as my “Southern in nature” observations. W. Virginia, if you look at a map, isn’t in the South–but if the old saying is true (If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a duck), then W. Virginia is southern.           More traffic talk: No one speeds here, so they must be shocked when a gunmetal gray Dodge …read more

          We made it! Finally, after scant planning, no packing, last minute reservations, making magazine deadlines by seconds, suffering through wet luggage and a dripping airplane, Jordyn and I have arrived in Bluefield, W. Virginia, to watch Jarret play baseball and get some much-needed family time with our wayward 5th wheel.           First order of business: Mismanage the calendar! A professional pitcher throws only every six days, so when I booked our flights, I counted one start, six days, and one more start. I …read more

My next book recommendation is by Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A collection of one night stands.  As a warning, it’s raw.  It’s raw in the sense that you don’t want to recommend it to your mother for fear she may think YOU’RE into one night stands with midgets and 19-year olds. The language is raw.  At one point, you’ll begin to wonder when you became desensitized to the F-word in all its incarnations. Then you’ll wonder why your sides are aching, and you’ll think of the laughter… and of the F-word. For …read more